Sunday, October 21, 2012

The Weirdness of Me

     Fifty. The big 5-0. Half a century. That's gonna be me in just a couple of weeks. For some reason, I thought that by fifty, I'd have my shit together, be a "real" grownup and all, but that just hasn't panned out. On any given day, I feel five or twelve or eighteen or thirty-two. To an observer, my life's curriculum vitae might seem impressive--there's that whole "doctor" thing sticking out like a sore thumb--but that's never been what I'm about. I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up, and lately, that whole idea of "Be all that you can be" doesn't seem incredibly necessary or important.
     Because I keep running into problems with a little thing called society, I've spent much of this last year examining the weirdness of me. Funny thing is, I keep coming up empty-handed. Although I've dabbled in the mainstream from time to time, being a sheeple has never really held much of an appeal. I'm not marching to the beat of a different drummer: I am the drummer. For some reason, this lack of conformity seems to bother people, especially those are overly concerned with superficial appearances and projecting a certain image. Who do they think they're kidding?
     I've never been a good liar. What you see is what you get, and for that, I remain unapologetic. I don't worship the God of Expectation and Disappointment, the one that hypnotizes the susceptible into thinking there's always something else to be achieved, something bigger and better and new and improved, that what we already have to give will never be enough. By definition, isn't enough enough? This consumeristic mentality just isn't my bag; I don't relate to people in terms of what I can do for them or what they can do for me, and for that, I'm labeled selfish, uncompassionate, egoistic, anti-social, and a failure at capitalism. Since when did being interested in people on a deeper level become such a crime?
     Fifty. It's an age that's always sounded so mature and matronly, but I feel more wild and free than ever. Living dangerously is all it's cracked up to be. Although I've learned to tone down some of my more subversive tendencies by flying under the radar, I still don't give a damn what the neighbors think. Life is good, even when it's sucky. Self-acceptance is key to my happiness; at the end of the day, what I think about me matters most, obviating any need to stereotype myself as "weird" or "normal." Sometimes, weird becomes normal. If weird is to normal as eccentric is to boring, though, it looks like I'm in for a few more decades of weirdness.
I see nothing at all weird about using this spoon to stir my Brussels sprouts.
What almost 50 looks like.

30 comments:

  1. WOW :P
    but even if now at 22 I write an article on the same lines
    it would be more or less the same (except for the whole doctor thing, that would be an engg :P)
    your posts are really young and vibran
    Had you not explicitly mentioned your age and the whole time about living during nixon era, had you been anonymous, no one would have known that by reading your posts
    kudos to hitting the half century
    here is to a younger, wilder,and forever frank you
    *cheers*
    PS : where can I get the spoon????

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    1. "Had you not explicitly mentioned your age and the whole time about living during nixon era, had you been anonymous, no one would have known that by reading your posts." SimplySud, that's the best compliment EVER!

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  2. Your vivacity for life something rarely witnessed. If by 50 I have accomplished only affirmation of what it means to be accepted by oneself as you have, I will consider it a success. You look as amazing as you are, and are the most kick ass almost-50 year old that I know. I admire you for your ability to see someone for who they are and not what they are, as you have with me.

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    1. Emily, it's been a pleasure knowing you. You are truly an old soul, a kindred spirit.

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  3. I think it's good to be weird, different and be someone that doesn't always conform to society. After all, we were never meant to be the same otherwise it would be boring.
    Look at it in this way - you give the neighbours something to talk about otherwise they would have no life and you wouldn't want that would you?

    You cause your friends to gossip otherwise they would have nothing to say secretly amongst themselves and you wouldn't want them to be speechless would you?
    You cause your family undue worries, nothing crazy but you are the main source of their entertainment when you turn up to a family event. Everyone wants to know the latest in Helena's life, that a good thing isn't it?

    It's all good I say, be yourself as long as you cause no harm to others.

    50 is a good age to let it all hang out, be wild and free. Live for yourself and not for others. You have but one life (in my opinion).

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    1. I like it, RPD...the neighbors would be SO bored without me! I'm virtually indispensable! :-)

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  4. Dang, girl! 50 looks pretty good to me! And I'm with you. I keep thinking the maturity fairy is going to come and turn me into a full-fledged grown up. The woman in the mirror isn't the same one I feel inside. I hope that never changes. ;)

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  5. You do things your own way. Where's the problem?
    There's too many people out there that think the way to grow up is to get progressively more boring. Sod that.

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    1. Agreed, sod that. Boring is like dying a slow death.

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  6. Happy Big 5-0 coming up!! You are still beautiful and looking great, hard to believe you're nearly 50! Love your lack of conformity, keep it up. Not worshiping the “God of Expectation and Disappointment”...what a great way to phrase it and I concur. That spoon you’re using to stir Brussels spouts gave me a good laugh, great pic and yes, it’s perfectly normal because it works! Enjoy your birthday! :)

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    1. Thanks, Madilyn! I honestly can't think of a worse existence than that of conformity. Glad you enjoyed the big spoon; it definitely comes in handy ;-)

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  7. First things first: Early HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

    Second things second: Holy shit!!!! You are an incredibly fantastic-looking almost 50-year-old. Seriously.

    Third things third: Your attitude sounds pretty close to perfect to me. I regret not having had the courage to live by that creed all my years, or any of them for that matter.

    Finally, for me, 50 wasn't special—either positive or negative. The day I turned 50 felt pretty much like the day before that and the day after it. Forty, on the other hand, was devastating for me for some reason. I was depressed for at least a year before that. But I got over it. I'll be turning 60 in less than two months. So far, it's feeling more like 50 (no big deal) than 40 (god damn, fucking, shit).

    You didn't say exactly when your birthday is. In case I miss it in a couple weeks, again, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

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    1. Thanks, Joel! Supposedly 50 is the new 40...we shall see!

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  8. Kris, we seem to be twins who were separated at birth. You keep that free spirit alive down South, and I'll do the same up North. Three cheers for freedom, agelessness and joy.

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    1. Indeed, Marty...I've often thought that myself. Here's to keeping the spirit alive: Hip hip hooray!

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  9. Great post Helena,

    Congratulations on hitting the halve century.

    Your post spoke directly to me, as I feel quite similar about society, and my misplacement in it.

    It is amazing that some people have lives that are so incredibly boring that they have nothing else to do but talk about others, and you should take it as a compliment that they use you as their topic.

    Keep up the good work =).

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    1. Thanks, PBS...your Superhero-birthday post is what inspired this post.

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  10. We're very much alike and never apologize for being you. I relish being weird and different and that's what people like about me, I just hope I look as good as you in a few years!!

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    1. Barbara, I wouldn't want to live any other way, even if it is considered weird! I've always been a fan of misfits and underdogs. It's good to meet another fellow "weirdo." :-)

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  11. The way I see it, is that normal is so completely boring. I've been around 'normal' people, and I've gone to great lengths to get them the heck out of my life. I've always been the weird on. In my home town, which I left behind a very long time ago, they STILL stare at me as I walk in public, like I'm some zoo animal....

    In the end, great post, and brave of you to pose like that at 50, but then, you def still have a great bod, so keep on posing! In the end, never ever lose the weirdness, because you don't want the soul to wither up inside. I know I'll be crazy 'till I die.

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    1. Thank you, Dan! Re: being crazy till you die, that makes two of us :-)

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  12. Kris ------- you already know what I think, an age is just a number, it does not define us, and you sure don't fit the bill of mature old lady. Just keep on being yourself and in another 50 years you can say you are 100 and still running with the young pups!

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  13. Happy Birthday! Not sure what gifts could top the ones you already have. That whole free spirit, sharp mind, kind heart and awesome physique thing you've got going on is hard to beat. Self-acceptance looks great on you! ps- you got those biceps from lifting that spoon right?

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    1. Gina, oh yes indeed, that spoon gives me a total body workout...LOL! :-)

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  14. I have been trying to tell you that you don't look 50. Ooops, that's a lie, the truth is, you look gorgeous!
    I share your weirdness, and cannot agree more there is nothing wrong with using that big spoon to stir your Brussels sprouts. I too, have some "problem" to blend myself into mainstream, Chinese or American, and the major problem is I don't ware make-up. Also my chronic health condition made me aged 20 years in recent few years and I still refuse to ware make-up (and I can tell that "scared" some people away). Instead of make-up, I work very hard to take care my health, both physical and mental, and I believe a true health will make me a 5 yr-old again! And who care about mainstream anyway!
    Happy 50th birthday Kris! (I am coming too). You ROCK!

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    1. Artists (like you and me) are always the best kind of weird, YunYi. Good for you for not wearing makeup and for focusing on your physical and mental health...that's the real secret to feeling good and staying young.

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  15. What an extremely well-written post. I'm so very impressed.

    About getting older, I think we all have this image we've retained from childhood about what an adult looks like. Turns out, there's pretty much no such thing. What we envisioned doesn't match up with reality at all.

    People often can't relate to my need for solitude and silence, for alone time, for having no desire to live with anyone, as I cherish my space. Not to mention that attention I give my writing. Aside from other writers I get to know online, I am completely different. I'm fine with that.

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    1. June, my husband and I are both introverted, him more so than me. Although I have some extroverted, and even exhibitionistic tendencies, I relish my alone time as much as he does. It's good to meet another writer with those traits :-)

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