Sunday, November 17, 2013

A Model Woman

Spartacus and me in 2009
It's no secret that Spartacus and I are "into" being physically fit...that's probably what first attracted us to each other. It's a mutually beneficial interest. Now that both of us are over 50, fitness itself is becoming rather interesting. For almost two months, I've been dealing with a shoulder injury that's really kicked my ass. I suspect I was performing lateral flies with too much weight, and man oh man, the resultant biceps tendonitis has been a real bitch. It got so bad that I actually went to see the doctor about it. (For me to go to the doctor, it's got to be pretty bad!) The pain and limitation in range of motion in my shoulder weren't improving with rest and analgesics, so I started wondering if maybe I'd seriously injured my rotator cuff. Fortunately, it's just a raging case of tendonitis. Like all wounds, it'll heal. Eventually. In the meantime, I'm still struggling to raise myself up out of a freakin' armchair. 

WTF, Mary Dent?! Bitches puh-leeze!
I'm not gonna lie. This injury is totally cramping my style, and consequently, I'm finding myself becoming increasingly annoyed by seemingly innocuous people like Mary Dent, who at age 53 has unnaturally flat abs, unnaturally perky boobies, and equally unnatural willpower.

I recently installed new lighting in my bathroom, and part of me was honestly hoping that this nagging little bit of belly fat that I just can't seem to get rid of was an imaginary product of suboptimal illumination. Uh, nope. It's still there, only the shadows are a little less harsh now.

I asked Spartacus what he thinks about Mary Dent, and his opinion is that, like pretty much all the fitness magazine models, she's not only been airbrushed, but she's also spent about five grand on tummy-flattening fake tits. In other words, Mary Dent is an illusion. Although he reassured me that the dimply dumpling I see staring back at me in the mirror is an illusion as well, I'm still feeling ab-ravated. I've really gotta find myself some new bathroom reading material. This is especially true now that we're fully stocked on transparent ass-wipes, courtesy of Spartacus, who gleefully brought home two packages of Scott single-ply toilet paper, despite my explicit request for a twelve-pack of cushiony Angel Soft double rolls. Upon being questioned about this purchase, Spartacus responded, "One ply is fly." Sigh. From over-weighted lateral flies to gossamer-yet-woefully-ineffective single ply, I'm barely managing to get by. 

"Another year, gone with the wind!"
While we're on the subject of reading, I received the most beautiful 51st birthday card from my son, Rory. He recently went through a painful breakup, and we've spent quite a bit of time together over the past few weeks, talking about his feelings. I'm really proud of how maturely he's handled himself, working through his emotions by writing some amazing new songs. What he wrote in the card (pictured at left) was unexpected and so touching that I cried instantly upon reading it:

"This past year really has gone like poof! In the last 3 months in particular, they have zapped right by. I have realized even more why I appreciate you. You really are the best representative of a woman that I'll ever have. My standards for women have become so high because of you. Any girl I date has to have so many of the traits you have. You are the model woman for me to base my women on. You are the best mother I could ever ask for, and certainly the greatest woman I know. I love you, Mom!"


Rory, me & my belly fat, Nick, and Nick's girlfriend, Haley
Wow, talk about an affirmation! Who needs flat abs when your 23 year old son thinks you're a model woman? I believe I understand exactly what he was trying to convey. All he's saying is that he appreciates my unconditional love for him--the fact that I love him for who he is, just as he is--and that's the quality he's looking for in a woman. In terms of expectations, what he wants is neither unrealistic nor unnatural. As for me and my stubborn belly fat, the reality is that it's probably here to stay. I don't see a starvation diet or liposuction happening anytime soon. Even though I consider myself a model of fitness for my age, I'm certainly no Mary Dent. I'll just have to settle for being a model woman.





24 comments:

  1. Installation of new lighting! Brilliant....I may try this new fitness technique. Wonderful post Kris...I always marvel at how much you and I have in common. One of these days! xoxoxo Nims

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    1. Haha, yep, I got new fixtures and bright white LEDs. It's actually made a huge difference for me in terms of being able to apply makeup without overdoing it. I've always thought we have a lot in common, too, Michelle. You're just a young whippersnapper, though, and I'm sure you could run circles around me ;-D

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  2. We can be hard on ourselves Kris.I suspect Rory's comments may have put things into perspective. Very sweet.
    Cheers, ic

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    1. I know, Ian. It's true that we're our own worst enemies. Rory's card was just what I needed to snap me out of my funk.

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  3. I'm coming up on the one-year anniversary of dealing with a shoulder injury and the resulting limitations. I feel your pain. On the up-side, as a mom, I can imagine the absolute thrill of getting that card! It is "ab"solutely fantastic!!!

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    1. Shoulder injuries are the worst! I've never had one before, so I'm feeling sorry for myself. Sorry to hear you've endured the same kind of misery. Rory's card was indeed "ab"solutely fantastic. Stuff like that is what I love most about being a mom.

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  4. Kris, you are absolutely a model woman! Love Rory’s card to you, he wrote such beautiful words and you know he wrote it from the heart. What a sweet son, and that is a reflection of how you raised him!

    Ouch about your tendonitis, that can be so painful. Hope you heal soon! I sure understand about the difficulty of staying physically fit as we age. The arthritis that suddenly developed in my toes put a real cramp on my exercise routine and I’ve had to adjust (and looking in the mirror, I know I need more adjustment lol!). And about bathroom lighting, Chuck recently installed new, brighter bulbs in our bathroom. I liked the brightness until I looked at myself in the full-length mirror. Then I said, oh boy, I want those dimmer lights back again lol!

    Spartacus and the single-ply ass wipes had me laughing over all again about it (btw, I use Angel Soft double too, the best). That “one ply is fly,” response would not fly in my house either, but it’s a clever comeback.

    Mary Dent is definitely an illusion. Gotta agree, it is unnatural for her to have such flat abs and still perky boobs at 53. Boobs that perky at her age? No way! None of us can defy gravity, and the bigger they are, the harder they fall lol! I’m with Spartacus on the airbrushing, and yeah, a tummy tuck.

    With a son writing cards like that to you, you sure don't anything but that unconditional love you give and get in return. :) Great post and great photos!

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    1. Madilyn, too funny about wanting those dimmer lights back. There's really no hiding from what the brighter lights reveal. Yikes :-D

      Yep, this shoulder injury is taking its sweet time to heal. I've tried to keep active within reason to avoid getting a frozen shoulder. It hurts to fasten my bra, so it's a good thing that I prefer going bra-less most of the time. That's where having small boobs actually comes in handy.

      I'm glad that Spartacus has a realistic view of these fitness models. He was showing me these hilarious PhotoShopped pictures of women with boobs the size of watermelons. We both had a good laugh. But yeah, I'm pretty sure Mary Dent isn't a natural woman, if you get my drift.

      Dear Rory, he's such a sweetheart. Somewhere, there's a woman out there who's going to feel very lucky to have found him. He's a great catch.

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    2. And, that's too cool about you being an Angel Soft kinda gal, too :-)

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  5. Another great post, Kris. Full of humor, fun and good sense. Those magazines always make me laugh, with their paragons of perfection. As long as I can still cast a reflection in the mirror, I figure I'm okay. That was beautiful what Rory wrote you. I'll take love over a six-pack any day.

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    1. Marty, I've learned that these magazines have to be taken with a grain of salt. They are as full of fake tits as they are of healthy tips. I deeply cherish what Rory wrote to me. I agree, love is always more preferable than a tight set of abs.

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  6. if unnaturally fit people are getting you down then we should definitely meet. Comparing your fitness level to mine will brighten your day considerably. I'm over 60 (61 in about a month from now) and I've never been fit a day in my life. And, being a guy, my breasts aren't at all perky.

    I hope that tendonitis fully heals soon. Take care.

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    1. Isn't it crazy that I torture myself with these ridiculous magazines? As far as man boobs go, less is definitely more, so being not at all perky-breasted is a good thing!

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  7. All the hard work, struggles you had over the years getting to where you are today have truly paid off with those wonderful twins. What a touching card for a young man to give to his mother. He not only has a role model in you, but he also knows how a real woman should be and how she should also treat a man. He got all of that from watching you over the years.

    Now, I've zoomed in until I can't zoom in anymore on my computer and I still can't see the belly fat you speak of. You have a wonderful body for a woman of your age, and sometimes women tend to see things that no-one else can see. Get rid of those lying magazines because in reality hardly anyone looks like that. Get your own back and use it for toilet paper.

    Wow, you must have been really throwing those weights around to do such an injury (not that you needed the exercise :)). Take it easy for a while, this was a warning and next time it could be much worse. I do hope it heals quickly and you recover nicely without any problems. Take care mate. Great post as usual.

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    1. RPD, I agree with you about using that magazine as toilet paper. A sheaf of glossy paper is sure to be better than the single ply toilet tissue from Spartacus's latest shopping spree. Re: my shoulder, I am thinking about getting some physical therapy. It sure is taking its sweet time to heal. As far as parenting goes, I've really been blessed by these wonderful boys of mine. There just aren't words for how much I love them.

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  8. Kris, first of all, I hope your shoulder recover fully soon! It's not fun to live with pain, isn't it? Secondly, again, you are a model women, like Madilyn said. Your fitness is something I envy the most, and I wish I could be do half as good in my life time! Last, not the least, what a wonderful note from a son to a mother! And I understand perfectly, because I too have Oedipus Complex (another mystery of me)!
    Keep it up, Kris, because I think your healthy spirit has everything to do with your physical fitness. Everytime looking at your photos makes me want to go outside, to run like athlete!

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    1. Yun Yi, it has been miserable living with this shoulder pain, especially when I'm sleeping on my right side. Ugh! I think I have to start spending more time warming up and stretching before and after physical activity...that's probably why I keep getting these injuries. I don't know much about you and your parents, but I take it that you had lots of admiration for your mother. I did, too...I thought my mom was the most beautiful woman in the world. She still is. Re: being outside, I know you like to take walks...the weather here in Atlanta is just gorgeous today. I just got done walking my dogs, wearing a T shirt and shorts. If there's a heaven, it's right here in Georgia.

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  9. Great post. Hope the shoulder heels up soon and I'm convinced Mary Dent is a lab experiment designed purely to make women feel bad about themselves.

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    1. Haha, yes, Mary Dent could actually be a photo-shopped composite of lots of different women.

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  10. I find as I get older, the workouts get harder and my body responds slower, but I still do it -- more for health than for beauty now, though. I hope your shoulder gets better. What a pain! Literally! As for that card, WOW. I think every mother dreams of getting one like that. Feeling so happy for you.

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    1. Rory always writes really sweet cards and notes; so heartfelt. That's the best gift i could ever ask for. As for the body responding slower with age, I'm finding that I'm getting injured more often. Probably need to tone it down and spend more time warming up and stretching. I have a feeling this shoulder is going to take a loooooooong time to heal.

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  11. Kris, your blog has such a cheerful aura about it, every visit is a treat. I absolutely enjoyed the bit about bathroom light and the assets of Mary Dent. And I absolutely believe in Rory's compliments!

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    1. Uma, that is so kind of you to say! It is sort of a cheerful rant. Now that we've painted our bathroom bright white, I'm liking the image I see in the mirror much better. Amazing what a coat of paint can do. I will save Rory's card forever :-)

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  12. Hi Kris, Yes I'm a fellow fitness devotee, so I can respond as a like mind. I don't know about you, but I start every session with the scales and the mirror and the pinch test. I used to do my age in sit ups, but now it's a bit more, but I don't train very hard or very long. I reckon you'd look pretty good in the mirror and not to worry about images from mags, it's really all about being able to enjoy life to the full. At 63, I weigh about the same as I did at 21 and can still do my sport the same. I'm sure that'll be you too. It helps that your partner is equally into it and after all 'age is only a state of mind'!

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