Saturday, May 23, 2015

Proclivity

Part II of Opportune By Design

Jackie Priester was the bastard son of Miss Violet Priester, a traveling nurse who strongly believed in the unproven health benefits of daily milk and molasses enemas, and Otto Hoffhein, an equally depraved Austrian ex-pat and small appliance salesman with a proclivity for Little Debbies and the cache of used sanitary napkins he'd clandestinely pilfered from Big Wendy, his corpulent eternally-menstruating bookkeeper.

During one of their cannabis-fueled outdoor games of naked tag, Big Wendy went bucknutty on Otto after he'd given her a good Barbasol foaming and then tried to escape by jumping over a hedgerow. She gave chase, leaping into the air and levitating momentarily like a deranged zeppelin before plummeting at warp speed atop his outstretched leg at precisely the moment he'd finished negotiating the hedge, crushing his right knee so badly that he now walked with a permanent limp, his right leg having been surgically rendered shorter than the left.

Nevertheless, Otto remained optimistically opportunistic. Despite his dysfunctional relationship with Big Wendy, he chose to focus on its only positive aspect, namely unlimited access to her discarded Kotex pads. Quite frankly, he found them irresistible. He sequestered them safely amidst expired Star Crunches and Oatmeal Creme Pies in the bottom drawer of an inconspicuous file cabinet. On payday afternoons, Otto would fondle the besmirched pads in bare-handed admiration, dutifully replenishing those that had lost their whang with fresh sticky ones he'd retrieved from the feminine hygiene disposal bin located in the employee restroom.

Otto and Violet often left Jackie in the care of their housekeeper, Mrs. Kelly, a frumpy chain-smoker who sported a mouthful of rotten teeth and occasionally stole hams from the deep freezer out in their garage. There was one morning when Jackie awakened to find Mrs. Kelly passed out in his bed. The stale air surrounding her smelt of cabbage and poop breath, but he had a solution for that. He'd always enjoyed the crisp, invigorating scent and pleasant hallucinations provided by the orange Glade Mrs. Kelly kept in the upstairs bathroom. It erased all traces of her from olfaction. On that particular morning, Jackie inhaled so much of it that he emptied the can. When he encountered her standing at the foot of the stairwell, screeching at him to come down for breakfast, he calmly informed her, "Mrs. Kelly, you have a hole in your head."

Violet was distantly related to the pecan-peddling Priesters of Fort Deposit, Alabama. The only thing she cared for less than pecans was small children. She'd met Otto while shopping for a hotplate in his downtown Birmingham appliance shop, just across the street from her nursing school dormitory. They secretly met twice for coffee in a neighboring town. After their third encounter, Violet permitted Otto to fuck her up the ass, partly because he'd reported a severe allergy to latex, but mostly due to the fact that Violet really did despise kids. There was also Nurse Grimley to consider. Because of that old battleaxe, their rendezvous had to be kept on the QT.

Nurse Grimley, a priggish prude who dually functioned as nursing advisor and house mother, ruled the dorms with an iron fist, strictly forbidding her students to masturbate or entertain male visitors under any circumstances. She discouraged dating entirely until the end of the last semester. According to her, any infraction--especially of a sexual nature--was grounds for immediate dismissal. Given Violet's predilection for rectal stimulation, Otto's sensitivity to latex, and Nurse Grimley's zero tolerance policy on gravidity, she determined that cornholing was the most reasonable contraceptive option for satisfying both her carnal impulses and her desire to graduate.

Part I: Opportune By Design
Part III: Transgression
Part IV: Mayhem
Part V: When In Doubt, Cut It Out
Part VI (conclusion): Dark Horse Heroes

16 comments:

  1. What an interesting tale you are weaving, Kris! The imagery is great, though I have to admit the sanitary napkin thing has me totally grossed out! I'm very curious where this will all lead. Awesome!

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    1. Yep, that used Kotex fetish is pretty damn gross, but in my research, I've learned of quite a few fetishes that are way more disturbing. Google's been a great help!

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  2. Kris, you're creating quite a gallery of grotesques here with your obscene, uncensored imagination. But one starts to wonder how far-flung from reality all these wild imaginings are. I suspect there are more things in Heaven and Earth than even the craziest imagination could ever dream of.

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    1. Oh, absolutely, Marty. Mrs. Kelly, the orange glade incident, and Big Wendy all are real people/events.

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  3. A marvellous, quirky tale unfolds. More please.

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    1. Part III is up, Big D. Glad you're enjoying the story!

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  4. "One flew east,
    And one flew west,
    And one flew over the cuckoo's nest."

    I am glued to the viscerally morbid and riveting, scatological proceedings and the bewildering collection of the unhinged.

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    1. Uma, this line is just as even truer today than it was when it was written!

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  5. "Wow" and "Eeeewwww" in equal measure.
    Fantastic writing.

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    1. Thanks, Dale. I kind of grossed myself out with this one, well, almost.

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  6. "Wow" and "Eeeeewww" in equal measure.
    Fantastic writing.

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  7. Otto's fetish made me vomit a bit in my mouth as I read.
    ...but ... I... MUST....read... more...

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  8. Jeez, poor Jackie didn’t stand a chance with that parentage. Double yuck about Otto’s proclivity!! Eeewww! (gross as it is however it’s not unheard of). Interesting to see where this leads! Btw, is that a picture of a sculpture you made, Kris? I love it!!

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    1. Hi Madilyn! Yes, Jackie's cards were pretty much dealt from the moment of conception. That little sculpture is one my father made out of a bar of Ivory soap. Can't believe it has survived all these years!

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    2. Kris, when I saw the picture of the sculpture, I right away thought of your father. I may have seen it in your posts in the past. He was so talented. Amazing what he created from a simple bar of Ivory soap!

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