Sunday, November 8, 2015

Ham Planet (Part III of Syrinx)

Source: TeePublic
Back in the day, Doris aka Biggie Dee was the hottest hamplanet ever to cruise The Strip. Yessiree, that dame was 420 glorious pounds of cornfed horndog scooterbeast to be exact, replete with a voracious appetite for pocket sausage and baby batter in addition to an already steady diet of KFC, BK, and McD's. That was just before the smiley-faced orbs began their visits, back when she was still shacking up with Sanjeev Patel.

Sanjeev was a bearded Pakistani speed freak who bore an unfortunate resemblance to Rasputin. Possessed by a disabling fear of hippopotamuses, he sported crotchless panties and a butt plug whilst tending bar at The Peppermill, his dream in life being to secure his very own DQ franchise so that all manner of slackers, crackers, trailer trash, and whores might continue to be nourished by Brazier Burgers and Oreo Blizzards. Alas, his dream was never realized, being wholly eclipsed by Biggie Dee's mega-celebrity.

Everyone who was anyone in Vegas knew about Biggie Dee. Her notoriety came not just from being O.G. as fuck, but also because of her legendarily elusive meat wallet which had recently been designated as a geocache location. Best of all, the contents of her cache were muggleproof, a lurid holy grail buried so deeply within musky skin folds and yeasty pudendal crevices that even the most experienced of pelt pie plunderers was rendered impotent in defeat with notsomuch as the faintest whiff of pungent victory. So, basically, her hoo-ha inspired a fan club of deranged admirers whose chances of actually glimpsing her mystery bits were slim to none. Well, that is until Skeeter set his sights on pillaging that raunchy village.

Skeeter caught wind of the fact that although Biggie Dee's geocaching fame was exceedingly profitable, her largesse transcended her corpulence in that she routinely donated the entirety of her massive weekly earnings to the local Vegas chapter of Tweakers Anonymous in the hope that Sanjeev might one day clean up his act. Seeing as how she was a do-gooder, Skeeter figured she and Faith would get along just fine, giving him a clear shot at snagging that dusky treasure.

The first step in any tweaker's recovery is to immediately replace meth with incessant self disclosure and caffeinated refreshment. And who better to lend both a solipsistic shoulder to cry on and an endless supply of Amway's premium antioxidant and probiotic-infused 100% fair trade organic coffee than Charity Faith Crenshaw?  She was, after all, Vegas's self-proclaimed redeemer of miscreants and lost souls, having resided there amongst the decaying filth for all of six months now. Skeeter gleefully obliged Faith in her fantasy, blinding her to the true design he had on her as an accessory in his snatch-snatching scheme. Once Skeeter got done with them, poor ol' Sanjeev and Biggie Dee were gonna need all the help they could get.

Part I: Syrinx
Part II: Vegas